One year...

Today, I completed a full one year in Qatar. To be really honest, I haven't laughed at all this whole year. I have, but they've been pretentious bursts of laughters.

This has been the loneliest one year of my life, though, arguably. I might have been lonely before, but was always surrounded with people, never lonely enough to realise the loneliness.

Qatar made me step away from the crowd and look deep inside of me. I figured out who I truly was, what I really wanted, but was far too chicken shit to actually admit that I finally know what I'm all about.

It seemed to be the end of the road. It's sad I still refuse to realise, it's only when you figure yourself out that your journey begins. I'm just so scared of solving the puzzle, scared of - what next then?

If I ain't confused, if I ain't complicated, what the hell am I going to do with my life? Where am I going to go? What then?

It's crazy. Life is crazy. Everyone keeps saying how beautiful life is, how we should treasure the most precious gift called life. That's all bullshit. A big whole load of crap because they got nothing else to say. They feel nothing else.

Life isn't beautiful. It's not pretty. And it sure is not easy. But of course, we don't want to end it. Just because life sucks it doesn't make death any less scarier. That's where the fuck up happens.

You gotta go on living, and hoping that one day, you'll lead a normal life. Normal - that's another strange word. I don't even know if I know what normal means. To me it seems to be holding on to a pretense, doing what makes others happy so they continue to love you, like you, to be shit scared of losing what you have, people, things... whatever.

I'm abnormal.

One whole year, I've dealt with just one issue - me. I've spent time with myself, thinking, dreaming, figuring things out about me. It happens easy when all you have is you.

And in all probability, I've come to just one conclusion - I may crib and cry about wanting the normal things of life, the simple things everyone claims to want to have, friends, family, peace, money, a decent life. But I am sure, normality is the last thing I want in my life.

I don't understand normal. If a simple normal thing comes to me, I first complicate it... just so that I can understand it, and later get entangled in the complication.

I feel at home there.

And I don't regret it. I only crib.