Whatever... Yeah... whatever

Hi,

My name's ... does it matter? I don't think so. This is what I call - the other part of me. My twin. But totally different. In what way? In every which way you can think of. There's this one side of of me, which wants to heal, which wants to be caring, which wants to do good, and make this world a better place. Really, I mean it. To an extent that I dream of entering the Indian political system if that's what it will take for me to give it my final shot at it.

But there's another side to me which just doesn't give two testicles to what the world wants or needs or needs me or any other human being to do for that matter. I couldn't care less.

I just care about me. About how I want to live and about how I can grab my space away from the world so that no one dare intrude into it, no matter for what reason. There could possibly be no reason for anyone to enter my world, unless they're completely in love with me (which happens quite often, don't ask me why I am still trying to figure that out). My world revolves around me. Just me.

I don't want money, I don't care about fame, I don't care about what the world thinks of me as. Yes, I do get really agitated if someone criticizes me without really knowing me - the kind that try and pass a judgement on you just by witnessing one act of yours. And my agitation is rather visible. In fact everything about me is visible - be it sorrow, happiness, anger or peace... my face says it all. It's proof of my honesty.

It's quite a task for me to laugh at a non-joke. Or tell an ugly person that s/he is looking good.

I am very happy in my own world. People call me an "escapist", a "pseudo-machoist (i am not sure if this term is correct)"... and lots of other stuff, which I am sure even they don't know what they're talking about. They just wanna say it coz they know this guy's gonna get instigated and react. Yes, I do. I am like that, and I have no explanation for it.

I was brought up in a very normal just-like-you environment but somewhere down the journey I separated on to my own road - my own tangent. It may be a fool's paradise, but the I am THE fool. I want to live here because this world makes me happy. This world does not believe in lies or manipulation. My world is no stop in the way of the road where rat race goes on. It's a world very very far away from that. If someone from that side wants to steal some money of me, or cheat me for a few hundred rupees, I will not stop him, I will not try and catch him red handed... I will let him. Because in my world we (me, myself and I) believe that he may need it more than us. Either way, there's someone he's going to answer to, or it's going to come back to him. As far as we are concerned, we're very very happy with what we have, as long as we don't sleep hungry.

I am no saint but.

When I say I really don't care about you, I mean it. I don't care about people who can take care of themselves. For example, I love my parents, but I don't care about them. They don't need me to take care of them. They're brilliant and strong by themselves.

I care about those, who I think will be extremely happy and satisfied if I do them a small favour like handing them over a blanket. They might even go sell it off to someone else, but it would eventually get them some money with which they might drink alcohol, but they'll be smiling. I am dead sure though, somwehere along that chain, the blanket I handed over will be used.

No I don't care about you. Or the few friends or ex-women who blame me or criticize me for being too blunt and not 'returning the favour' by caring about them. I coulnd't give a shit about them. I love some of them - the people they are - to the extent they intrigued me as the persons they were, but no, I coulnd't give a shit about them.

I've tried. Pretended to, but eventually, here I am, like always, telling them that I couldn't care less.

I've even felt guilty about it. Because they've cared and done so much. Why did they do it? I never asked for it. If they didn't have any selfish motives for it then why do they keep expecting the same thing back?

People have a hard time believing that I am not ambitious. I don't blame them. Maybe it's the way I look. Maybe I am just too hot for them to handle. Whatever man. Losers.

Sure I wouldn't mind money or fame coming my way. Big shit... money I'd spend all of it anyway. Fame... would it change me? No. NO. It woulnd't. I'll still be me.

If it comes knocking on my door, I'd greet it with open arms. Just like anything else, as long as I don't have to go out there looking and searching for it.

I am looking for something though. And I don't know what it is.

I think that's a fair sentence to end this crap with.

Ciao...

G'night...

And Noor... I am truly, madly... crazily in love with you. Maybe somedays down the line I may not be showing it to you that often in the way you might want to see it... but it won't change the way I love you. For, it's only growing.

You are where I begin thinking, and all my thoughts end at you.

You are me... I am you.