The truth, and nothing but...

There is someone out there, someone unknown, someone out of the huge crowd that's walking this earth, who lives this life. Just a regular person. Just a regular life. It only seems too amazing when people are just "brutally honest" about themselves. Here is one person's life... honestly.
If you want, you could be honest too. No one will sue you. Push comes to shove, you might lose a couple of people that like you... that's it.

Here's to honesty - my favorite word in the English dictionary.

I truly believe that I'm more intelligent than the average Joe. I believe I have a sharp n logical mind which enables me to bluff my way outta situations where I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. I have a problem admitting that I don’t know something n though I cannot take ppl laughing at me, I have no such problem while laughing at them.

I lie - A LOT. I don't know why I do it but lying just comes easy to me... at times I lie when I don't need to. I think it stems from my need to be liked ... even by ppl I may not like.

Only my very close friends know that I'm adopted - even when we went to doctors my mom never told them so I'm caught in this web of deceiving ppl even though I feel no shame about it or care that someone might reject me (marriage wise speaking) if they knew I was adopted... I would never want to marry such a narrow-minded person anyway. I go along with it partly for my mom n partly, might be, I'm insecure somewhere inside me but I have never really questioned myself - maybe I don't want to know the real truth?

I want to seek out my birth mom n had daydreams of finding her n blackmailing her (if she was rich) n getting my revenge but I'm older n wiser now n realise she must have had some issues of her own n forgive her. I still want to find her but just to know who she is n the why. I'm even grateful to her 'cause I love my parents a lot n can't think of anyone else who could love me as they do n give me the kind of freedom, unconditional love n support as they have.

I abhor violence of any kind especially on children n women. Everything said n done women r physically weaker than men n it hurts like the dickens when u r hit by a guy. I remember when we were kids my cousin brother used to hit me (he thought it was fun to use me as a punching bag) n as a way to protect myself I would scream the moment he got too close to me. Everyone thinks I used to just scream for the heck of it but I still remember being terrified of him.

I feel pukey at the thought of sexual violence n so can never watch movies that show it or refer to it in any detail. If by mistake I see a movie or read a news item on said topic - I'm depressed for days n I feel like shit.

I come across as someone who thinks life is a big lark but I have deep thoughts about almost everything - from the concept of toilet paper being more hygienic (it's not) to gay rights. I use humour as a shield to keep the world at bay. I have no reason to be so emotionally scared 'cause unlike ppl I know I have never been betrayed or let down by those I love but still I cannot take the leap of faith. I once read that babies taken from their mother's just minutes after their birth develop this emotional void - might be that’s the reason???

I am looking for love like everyone but at the same time the thought of love scares me - to be so dependent on the other person that u are called 2 halfs of a whole is romantic as well as terrifying. I wish I could trust enough to fall in love but have never come close to love - not even a real heartbreaking crush. I have never kissed a guy - though tht has more to do with my convent education than my trust issues. At one time I even suspected I was a lesbian but a hunky guy passed by n that theory ended there itself. If I ever do love I want the love to be like wuthering heights - I want to love like Heathcliff does in Wuthering Heights (my all time fav novel) - self destroying, obssessive n never ending. I am a person of extremes if I ever love I want it to be that deep or not at all.

I read a lot - I have learnt so much from books that it suprises me when ppl say they don't read. I cannot imagine life without reading - it brings me endless joy to read n imagine myself there. When I read I imagine it happening right infront of me n am taken into the world of the characters n they become real ppl to me. I can read 'pride n prejudice' a million times over n still have room for more. I think it's one of the best books ever written at par with wuthering heights.

I'm a fanatic about movies - I have seen most of all hindi movies ever made though I don't like most of them - I'm very critical. But I love watching them anyway - I can watch everything n anything as long as they don't hav subtitles. I can either watch the movie or read the subtitles. I'm equally nuts about music - I spend days just listening to music from morning to night, doing nothing else - my scrached Indian Ocean cd is proof of my obssession.

I'm ambitious but cannot find the path in life I'm suppose to take. At times I think its truely in writing a book or a movie screenplay. At times it's doing what I'm doing right now and building a business empire. Since my early 20s I had this guts feeling that I would not find my calling till I hit 30 n it's turning out to be right.

I have had a few health problems the last couple of years that have seen me zoom up in size (not that I was ever thin) n getting depressed for no reason except that I was out of Prozac. I have developed insecurities about my looks n weight n believe no one will be able to love me as I am n though that saddens me at the same time I’m ok with it (think that’s the Prozac kicking in).

I need to be near water (be it a fountain, pond, river or sea) it relaxes me n re-focuses me. My idea of paradise is owning a beachfront property from where I can see the sunset n walk to the beach for a swim.