Hmm

What happens when several emotions hit you at the same time? For example sadness, confusion, pain and happiness. All of them, together. What do you do? How do you know what to feel, what to think of?

You become like me, right now. Have no idea which one to mention first.

I'll go with the happy part first, because it happened last, happened right now. Huge grin on my face, could be a put on, but I ain't aware if it is.

It's official now. I'm coming to Delhi on December 4th for a vacation. My boss just said it was cool.

I hadn't announced it before really. It was justa thought in my head. I knew I would have to take official permission. Right now, justa few minutes back, she asked me herself, if I was going back in December. So she had heard. From who, I have no idea.

Relief. Done. December 4th. So whoever wants to kill me, thats the day to bomb the Indira Gandhi International Airport.

Now how do I suddenly switch back to sadness? I know its there within me. Certainly is, can't seem to bring it out.

I'll just start with this comment by an 'anonymous fool' on my previous post: "y dont u try for a guniess record of maximum break ups con ..."

Con... I love that name. It's half the name of a guy I love from the bottom of my heart. Love him in every which way a human can be loved, except physically, or sexually for that matter. Unfortunately, he isn't with me anymore. He's about 300 miles away, in the "city of the future", angry with me to the extent that he woulnd't even reply back to my mails. It's us. The love hate relationship. If he's there with me, I don't need anyone. No one at all. Some strange attachment.

In a minute he can show me a postive side of a break up, and we'd be out drinking. In a minute he can get me smiling with his pep talk.

I know we'll meet again. Someday. Somewhere.

In reply to anonymous' comment... first of all, it isn't a confirmed break up. Yes, the way she said, "I need time," when I asked her whether or not she wanted to be with me, if I have to weigh the chances, I'd say it's leaning more towards a break up. But still, her anger is just like mine, in several ways she's just like me, when she's angry she says stuff she doesn't really mean, and comes around at her own sweet time... so I ain't really sure... not yet.

But like a reflection of me said today, "Out of sight means out of mind, mostly," don't really know how late its gonna be by the time, or if at all, she decides she wants to be with me.

I'm confused. Bigtime. I love her, that's a 100%. But I have loved before, and loved again, truly.

I can't seem to decide if I should chase her and get my girl back, or let her be, give her the time she wants.

Why do I want to chase her? Maybe because I am afraid that once she starts thinking, and weighing the pros and cons, she'll figure out that I am so not the guy for her and she'll decide to leave me.

Why do I want to give her the time she wants? Because I don't have enough money to go after her where she is. I haven't saved enough in four months. If I had the money, I would have taken the next flight to where she is.

I would have, because this seems like the first serious break up, at least on the verge of, of our relationship. I don't really know what she means by, "I need time," and that if she'd actually come back to me after having said this.

So my mind's refusing to work. I could call her up right now, tell her I love her, like a mad mad man, and try to get her back right now. But I ain't doing that. Why? Maybe because I am scared she might say the same thing again and completely shatter my hopes, or maybe even say something worse, which would break my heart into a million pieces.

So what do you do? I am sure its a Shah Rukh Khan dialogue, sounds like it: "Jab dimag kaam karna band karde, toh dil ki awaaz suno."

Saala dil kya keh raha hai woh hi toh samajh mein nahi aa raha hai!

But to be honest, I kinda know what I want to do. I'm just trying to confuse myself I think. If she asked for time, I should give her time. After all, it's her life too. She's got the right to friggin decide if she wants to spend it with me or not. Who the hell am I to convince her that I am the guy for her???!!!!

Even though it pains me (terribly) to believe that the woman I say I love like crazy needs time to think if she wants to be with me, it's really the sensible way to go about it, isn't it?

So time it is... whatever has to happen will happen. Life will go on, either way. These are difficult moments - moments of suspense, of the unknown waiting to happen, of anxiousness as to what she's gonna say next, how it's gonna unfold. But like they say, this too shall pass.

She's the one who chose to go, she's gonna be the one to return. If she doesn't, what can I say? Let a famous Hindi movie called Satte Pe Satta dialogue/song say the rest.

"Bhaabi, ek minute ek minute... (To Budh) Abe band kar na ye, khamakhan beech mein bajata rehta hai... (To Bhaabi again) Agar woh nahi sharmaayi toh?"

Bhaabi: "Arrey buddhu, agar woh nahi sharmayi toh... Koi aur sharmaayegi!"

yeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeee.