Blank

When does your mind feel blank? It never really is blank, right? How can it be?

You're actually trying to say, when someone asks you, 'what're you thinkin', and you answer, 'nothing' or 'nothing at all, my mind's blank' or when you tell yourself, 'my mind's blank' it's really like blank?

Blank = Empty = No Thoughts = = BLANK.

How is that possible? In 24 years that I've lived my mind's never been blank, at least when I'm awake. I wish it was. That'd be fun, woulnd't it? No thoughts. A black screen in front of your illusionary eyes, which dream and see a lot more than your actual eyes, located on your face, do.

Illusionary eyes, that's the mind. Whatever you think, you visualise, don't you? You gotta see it through somewhere.

I don't know if it's the same with everybody. If right now I think of the number 10, I kinda know where it is. Get my point? My mind's always forever drawn a huge chart which has all the numbers on it. I know wher 1 is, where 10 is, where 337 is. It's very systematic. One below the other, in lines of ten. So 57 is a little towards the right, 66 even further to the right.

I don't think I go beyond 10,000.

Lol.

Ok sounds funny, but it's true. First 1000 numbers are like clear visual. I know where they are in my chart. Beyond that, it gets a little hazy as to where they really are, but still there is somewhat a visual.

Our mind visualises everything.

Ok, that was a pretty darn long explanation for Illusionary Eyes. Almost forgot what this blog was supposed to be about!

Blank, yeah. Our mind's never really ever blank. So why do we say, 'my mind's blank'? It's coz - check out the paradox - there are way too many thoughts jumbling up together in our minds. Its when we don't know which one to put forward first, or talk about first, or for that matter, if we were to look back a second later we woulnd't really be able to make out what we were thinking. 'mind's blank' - a simple answer.

My mind too is blank right now? Blank because I got nothing to think, nothing new to say, nothing new to see. So I am thinking a whole load of things altogether, sometimes one after the other, and the intensity of the different thoughts is fluctuating like crazy. Obviously, because they're different thoughts. Each thought has a different effect on you, depends how close or far away they are to or from reality. Not really just that. Depends on how close or distant you are from the thought in your head.

Qatar gives you a whole lot of time and space for your mind to get or feel numbed. Again, numbed because of the severe vibrations of thoughts jumbled up in your head. Thoughts. Randomn thoughts.

Nothing really exciting happens here everyday. Your lives don't change in a matter of days. You aren't getting out there to achieve something. You aren't competing. You aren't losing or making friends everyday. You're not meeting new people everyday. You know... things aren't happening.

And there's time. Most of the hours of the day, you'll find yourself, free (not busy). Just... free. What do you do? Think. Whether you like it or not, want it or not, your mind takes off.

My girlfriend tells me I should start reading. It's actually my plan that before I write my third book, I'm gonna do a whole lotta reading. I need to. I feel a very very strong fence in front of me as far as my writing skills are concerened. I need to open up that fence.

So she said, why not start right now. True. Why not?

I don't know.

I'm in Qatar, another country, a country, which I always used to name when we played Antakshari of countries in our traveling to and from school in the bus. A country, which I never thought about. A country, which I didn't know was a country on its own. There was always some confusion about Saudi Arabia, Oman and Qatar - never knew what each had to do with the other. As it turned out, nothing. A country, which I never bothered to check on the map until a few days before I was about to fly into it.

I rarely read. Okay, I REALLY RARELY read. Just can't focus. My mind's too restless for it. And I am in Qatar. Even though I say nothing's happening here, what if something extra ordinary, which might not really be extra ordinary, but for Qatar, in Qatar, yes, takes place and I am sitting home reading a book!? I know chances are that I might not be at the place where things happen all the time, but still I'm out there, taking my chances.

I want to read because I want to write better. I want to write more freely. I am not even sure if I'll be using what I learn from reading books, or if I'll know that I'm using it or not, but when I write my next book, I want to not know the existence of my limitation - which is extended vocabulary. I don't want that under confidence that I don't have a great selection of words. Whether I use those words or not, I want to know them. I want to know where I'm going wrong. I want to know different styles of writing. That's what I mean when I say I want to be free when I write next.

My mind's jumping from thought to thought, thinking of 'why are you thinking so much about things', why are you thinking at all, enjoy your holiday, your vacation, your life, this is just a part of the journey, Qatar's just a stop... then my life with my girlfriend, how its gonna be after marriage, where am I gonna park my car, if I'll have an entire cupboard to myself... you know, weird crazy, random stuff... my mind's jumbled up with thoughts. I can't help it, there's time, there's so much free time, there's so much space. No one even tries to intrude into yours. The loneliness makes you come right out of your skin at times.

Right now my mind's blank.

I am thinking of thoughts.