Jus' Cribbin

February 14th. Just remembered it's Valentine's Day. The first, in the last eight years of my life, when I am single, when no one's trying for me, when I am not trying for anyone.

Just one lonely Valentine's Day.

Saw a couple walk hand in hand, saw another one sitting on a bench in the park, the guy talking on the phone, the girl holding his one hand with both of hers, kissing him lightly on his cheek every two seconds.

My heart almost drowned. Fuck Ro, you got nobody, nobody's missing you.

I fear not being able to be with anyone now. It's a possibility. It's almost like I've forgotten how to be romantic, how to get a girl - an art I had more or less mastered till about a year ago. Screw that, it's almost as if I have forgotten how to go around. I mean... what to say, what to do, where to go, to be possessive or not to be, could I be, could I care enough again to be a little possessive that I am, to cry, to surprise her, to make her laugh, to talk for hours on the phone and not get bored... I've forgotten everything.

Just nothing seems worth it anymore. The effort to initiate a conversation, to explain myself to someone, to say the same things all over again... it just seems too strenuous.

Well what can I say? I am not gay. But I sure am a waste for a hot guy. I sometimes wish I could donate my looks and attitude to a more needy person. Coz I'm totally wasting it all.

I don't like listening, I don't like talking... I find it boring to talk to anyone about anything at all. And when they start talking, I just roll my eyes up and mumble, "there s/he goes again," which is very visible and audible.

As if I had heard everything that there was to be said, as if I has said whatever I had to say, and saying or listening to it over again is just too much of a task.

No points for guessing, why I am single today. I am to blame, or maybe not. Coz no one would really go out of his way to be the way I am today. I didn't either.

Things, situations, circumstances change people. There is a reason why I'm not the flirt I used to be. There's a reason why I'm not the charmer I used to be. A reason too many, I guess.

Happy Valentine's Day.

If anyone out there gives out lessons on 'how to go around', please feel free to contact me. I need to make a comeback, before I realise I'm 40, and fat, and bald... and still fuckin single.

Or instead, can I please at least get a sympathy lay? [Fags, stay away]