Life for rent

I haven't ever really found a place I call home. I never stick around quite long enough to make it.

It's just a thought. Only a thought.

I live aimlessly... goal-lessly. It's a life of a vagabond. Today, I'm here. Let alone tomorrow, I don't really know where I'd end up this evening.

What am I doing? Just getting through life, thinking, once this one finishes off, I'll come back and start all over.

I never really admit it. I don't even really think about it. I do actually, but quickly drink up another shot of vodka. But it's true, no matter how much I try to run and hide - things have gone terribly wrong in my life.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not miserable. Don't know where it all started, when it all started going wrong. But somewhere there, somewhere, I started getting entangled in a search, started getting used to loneliness. And I didn't even realise I was getting entangled. The ropes went on and on twisting and turning around me.

Before I knew it... today was already here.

I can't blame anybody... but me. I was always, and still am, shit scared of taking decisions. My decisions are always wrong.

I just mess everything up. I have this uncanny knack of managing to mess everything up. I wish I didn't. I wish I was normal.

I know, normal is a very relative word. What's normal for you could be abnormal for me. But just that I wish I wasn't the way I am, or turned out to be. Even in a crowd, I'm alone. Even sitting around people, I ain't really there.

Always lost... always looking at the door - as if I were waiting for my saviour. Looking... hard.

I wasn't born this way. The rebel inside me messed it all up... just to see, maybe, how bad could it get.

Sure, if I really put my mind to it, I can fix it. But I don't think I want to anymore. Lazy... woulnd't be exactly the right word. But yes, the laziness to fix it might have derived from the fact that I have gotten so used to being 'different'.

Yes, my life's become a mere search to find who I really am, what I really want.

But honestly? I'm shit scared of finding the real me, coz I don't know what he'd be like. I've kinda fallen in love with my pretense. Fallen in love with the mask I wear.

So I'll just get through this life... wandering about like a backpacker. Living a life, that's up for rent. In my next one, I'll try and be like you.

It's just a thought, only a thought.