I'm addicted... to loneliness

Three years ago I had written a chapter called, Loneliness Is Fun, which ended with a line that read, 'For, it is loneliness that leads to thoughts, thoughts to curiosity, and curiosity to discovery and realisation.'
I thought I'd change with the years, with some new people in my life, with age. I won't deny, I even tried to. I started pretending to enjoy with people, to an extent that I would acknowledge out aloud to myself that I am having fun. I don't really know why I did that. But if I were to reason it out, I would imagine it was because I envied those all around me who truly enjoyed their friends, and the moments with them.
It was confusing. I didn't know what I really wanted. 'As a rule, I was a fool. When it was hot I wanted it cold. When it was cold I wanted it hot. Always wanted what was not.'
And I don't know if anything's changed now.
I know I am a loner though. I can pretend as much as I want. I can laugh, I can crack jokes, I can make people laugh, I can intrigue them with a conversation, I can make them feel so comfortable with me as if they've known me for ages.
But at the end of the day, I know I walk alone.
I shove people who choose to walk with me away, somehow. It just happens, on it's own.
I want to spread my arms and I'm afraid I'll hurt the person walking beside me.
I'm seraching for something. I don't know what.
I'm going somewhere. I don't know where.
I walk, I know, this lonely road... alone.

I want to reach a destination now. I'm tired. Very tired...