Anonymity's intriguing?

My ass.

There was a time probably, maybe about a couple of, or three, years ago, when a person's anonymity (mostly over the net and subsequently on the phone) would really intrigue me. I would always think about the unrevealed person, wondering who she (hopefully!) was, what she must look like, how she would be like in person.

But then I think that was a phase. I guess there's a whole lot of difference between 21 and 25. I might not have grown up as much as 'people' would like me to have, or rather understand me to have, but still, I am somewhat different than what I was at 21.

And if you think I am immature now, you can't even begin to imagine what a brat I was at 21. I was a walking talking havoc for the world around me. Twice as arrogant, twice as angry, twice as unreasonable, and to top it all, twice as proud.

But now, anonymity makes me sick. No more do I wonder who she is, what she must be like... it just brings one thought in my head - S/he's got something to hide... either it's his/her insecurities, or his/her fear of not being liked at revelation or coming forth, or that he/she is nobody. I mean they must think, at least when they're anonymous, they still have the benifit of the doubt.

Now isn't that sick. Maybe I am completely wrong here (I doubt it though), but it just oozes so much of under-confidence that it's putting off.

I got this mail from a 'nameless person', who calls her/himself 'Mitr'.

S/he wrote: "Hello Rohit
I know its like a weird feeling for u to see my email..but over the days...my days have been pretty empty and boring without reading what u have written. I really like ur way of writing and feel like getting to know u better.Well..I just feel like kicking myself in the head for not joining gulf-times when i had the oppurtunity.....welllthings would have been soo different right rohit....nice to know that u are having a good time with good friends in doha ( all hep QA staff huh )...rohit.....u must be wondering who I am right ...well I am sure u are ......
Well....I am a well-wisher and an avid reader who just wants to cultivate a good relationship with u if u dont mind...dont worry....I like u too much to do anything to hurt u ....
so u living alone in doha ...hmm..will cook something for u when I come there next ...rohit ...tommorow when I come online ..I do hope and pray that u do reply to my email ...
till then ......hey i am not one of ur rommates or cousins playing a prankon u ....destiny hasnt allowed us to meet so as to exchange a few words in person..but then ur words on the webspace have carved a niche which would be with me forvever...
hope work is going on good for u ....
bye for now
MITR"

Now that was fine. Flattering too. Had I been 21, I would have gone all out for this. I mean, I would have gone ALL OUT... even looked forward to her (if at all she's a she) mails, to what I'm gonna say next.

I asked him/her who s/he was and why s/he likes remaining anonymous, to which s/he replied: "well..rohit .. its not like I like to be anonymous ...
I know myself very well....I know u from ur words..
Words maketh a man ...ur feelings..ur jottings expose a persona thats unique
and charming at the same time ......lifes travails have allowed to encounter numerous adversities....and many more interesting poeple.people from different walks of life.......and U have really stood out .......u know I sometimes wish u were here with me." Again s/he ended the mail with 'Mitr (which by the way, means Friend in Hindi)'

I don't know what to say. His/Her mails are sweet, and like I said, extremely flattering, but the anonymity sucks. It feels creepy now instead of intriguing.

Fine, you like my stories, you like my blog, come out in the F*&^ing open and say it. Why do people choose to remain anonymous?

Even the comments on my blogs. Those anonymous people are obviously, very obviously, people who know me, who've seen me, who've spoken to me in person, probably even slept with me (pardon my assumption if I am wrong), but very definitely, people who know me in person, sorry for assuming again, but yeah, people who have slept with me in my drunken state (lol!), and they'd always slam what I write. Coz they just don't like my guts. They hate my guts. So why can't they come out in the open and say it out aloud? I ain't gonna sue them for it.

Why are they so ashamed of themselves?

All I am saying is, it's creepy. And it does not interest me anymore at all. I wish it did. Those were fun times. I wish I was still 21, but I ain't.

For example me. Just take me for a second, try and understand, try and listen, peacefully. There may be certain things about me which absolutely creep people out of their skin. I might be shallow too to some extent. Let's say my views on physical features, which I think should be attractive and presentable else I wouldn't take the person seriously. Sure, there are things about me which may disgust others.

So what?

The point is, I have the courage to acknowledge all of it, who I am, truthfully and sincerely. And no, I am not ashamed of it. That's me. I am not forcing you to be with me or like me. I am saying, hate me, but that's not going to change anything. I don't go around pretending someone I am not. If I don't like something, I don't like it, period. Whether it's against religion, or humanity, or good will, I don't give two testicles to that. I will not force myself to be a certain way.

Maybe five or 10 years down the line, I'll go "beyond a person's looks" and start looking deeper, without caring for what they look like. But then I'll wait for that time to come. When it comes, and I realise, hey fine, that's me... I'll say it out aloud. And then acknowledge, that once upon a time there was a phase I went through where I coulnd't think beyond the way a person looks.

It's pretty simple.

PS: Apologies to 'Mitr' if he/she thought I shouldn't have put his/her words to me out in the open like this - apologies for embarassing or hurting you, if at all I did. But it was in my heart, had to come out.

And let this be an announcement too. NOTHING will ever be hidden with me. If you're expecting things to be kept secret, that's NOT my cup of tea, so don't tell me. I don't believe in secrets. I am for 'what you wanna say, shout it out, what you wanna do, do it in front of the world'.

When I look in the mirror, I see power. When I look in the mirror, I see pride.

That's me... good or bad, I don't know.