When being alone is the safest bet

Most people go out of their way to make, and keep, friends. I'm a little different.

I go out of my way to avoid making friends. And just in case I do, subconsciously or consciously, I make sure they don't stay for very long. I make it a point to make them go away. In most cases, they go away with bitterness towards me.

I don't blame them. I'll just say, I eventually find out, they're not my type. Again, it's not them with a problem. It's probably me with the problem(s).

But then again, I feel, I'm better off alone. At least for the time being. How long this time being will last... God knows.

"Ro, I've started a fight maybe a couple of times. But all the other times, it's you who's started a fight and been rude."

"I agree. I totally agree. I am not blaming you. I am saying, I've started fights more times than you. I've been rude too. That's why I wanna be alone. I wanna get rid of the very chance of a fight regardless of who starts it."

"You can't keep letting go of friends, Ro."

Friends. It's quite a task to make and keep friends, isn't it? You gotta make sure, you don't say the wrong thing at the wrong time. You gotta hang out with them. You gotta ask them how their day went. You gotta talk and listen to them.

It's quite a task, for me. I guess, I've gotten so accustomed to being alone, that any sort of company seems alien to me.

But in all fairness to me, I used to hear that friends understand each other. With friends there are no obligations. They don't have to talk all the time, they don't neccesarily have to hang out together all the time, right?

So why can't my 'friends' understand the fact that I don't enjoy talking or listening to them. That I don't really care how their day went, or what's troubling them. if they need anything from me, they should ask for it, and without a question, I'll do it for them. But can't they just save the whys, hows, and whats for someone else. I don't care. I just don't.

If there was medical treatment for a person like me, I swear I would take it to start caring about things.

I have way too many issues of my own, in the first place, to handle a person with even one issue. I can't take it.

I'd like to meet and be with a person who has no issues whatsoever. Who's ok with the way I am. Who understands me without me having to say a word. Who understands, I care, but I can't go around showing it every single day of my life. That I am drowned enough in my thoughts, in my dreams, in my fantasies to surface and start listening to what they have to say.

I know, I'm hoping for the impossible. I know people without issues don't exist. I know, to keep people in your lives you need to meet them half way. That things won't always go my way.

But in my world, where I stay alone, things always go my way. I am not answerable to anybody. I don't have to laugh at a non-joke. I can say whatever I want to to anybody and not feel bad about hurting a friend. I don't have to think before I say or do anything.

That's why...

I'm better off alone.