Finding Rohit...

It's happening. Things have begun to become clearer and clearer. I see a light at the end of this dark tunnel on my way to my search for freedom... freedom... from this confused person that has for more than forever tied up the real me, blocked me from coming out.

I can feel it happening.

I don't know if it's this Nepal trip that I took alone is the only cause for this change I see coming through slowly. I hope I ain't hallucinating, or imagining a fantasy as if it's real.

But yes, I have been denying me my freedom for a long time. Don't know when the mask took over. Don't know who I was trying to impress, what I was trying to do. Don't know.

I can see there's a problem. It's the first step isn't it? -- Acknowledging there's a problem. Only then can you get about trying to solve it. Else, you live in denial, not ignorance, denial. For you know there's a problem, you just don't want to acknowledge it because you would seem like a loser to you.

I don't know what's happening, but something extraordinary is, and I am living it.

Maybe it's this trip to Nepal, which made me spend some time with myself, knowing, if I falter, no one's going to take care of me, maybe it's the 24th break up that's made me realise this pattern of failed relationships in my life, maybe it's the therapist I saw before I came to Nepal, maybe it's the hypnosis he put me through... maybe it's all of these put together, or maybe I'm just supposed to realise now... maybe that's the plan, and all these things have transpired at this point of time of my journey to finding the real me.

I didn't know how scared I was of myself, until I was sitting in my hotel room, all alone, staring at the TV, with nobody by my side for the next seven days to come. I was terrified. I swear I was.

Terrified because I was scared of myself.

I've made so many wrong moves, so many wrong choices in my life, I have no control over my drinking, the words I say, the actions. I scared the shit out of myself. I was lying on my bed, flipping channels, shit scared of the great unknown. What will I do? Let's drink. No. No way. How far can I run away from myself from? I gotta stop somewhere.

Why is it a wonder then that other people are scared of me too?!

No wonder I spent all my time alone in crowded places. So that I could run away from me, yet, claim to be very proud of being alone and not needing anyone.

Bullcrap.

I always needed someone there in my life. To take care of me, to take decisions for me, to hold my hand and take me home, to tell me where I've parked my car, to tell me, it's all going to be ok.

It was just this pretense, this fear... from me, that always made me want someone, but deny the need at the same time. I pretend to be this very confident young man, who knows exactly what he's talking about and says it so ever convincingly. That too is a pretense, the confidence, I think. I cover up my insecurities with this mask I wear. This mask of beauty, of achievement, of loneliness, of brashness, of bluntness, of rudeness, of anger, of arrogance, of being wronged... of difference, more than anything.

The truth is, I want to be just like all of you. Maybe I can never be, all said above, the fact is most of you are so full of crap. So I ain't totally wrong when I say, I really can't hang out with most of you chutes...

That apart, I really do wish, I was me for a change and for good.

Over the last few days, I have found this wee little bit of peace in me. It's just the beginning. This search for me, it seems, is finally rounding up.

I always keep saying right, I'm searching for something and I don't know what it is and I keep hopping from one place to another hoping that my search might come to an end.

I finally know what I was searching for, and why I could never find it. I was searching for me, all along, and I thought I was searching for someone who could help me find me.

The answer was within me, all along. No one else could have helped me find me but me. That's why I never found her.

In five days, that first scary day apart, I have learnt to smile with myself. Somewhat learnt to be enough by myself. I sleep long hours, wake up at my own sweet time, READ A BOOK, for crying out loud, then roll a joint, smoke up, have a nice long hot shower, then walk around in Thamel, avoid loud crowded places and instead, follow the music, sit in a nice cosy restaurant with live music and eat some great food.

Alcohol... well, everyone has a quota in their lives for alcohol. Some have a quota of one drink, some for just one sip, a few don't have an alcohol quota at all.

I had a huge quota, it could have lasted me a lifetime. It's upto you how fast you use off that quota. I've exhausted mine in 25 years. I know these are my last few days of alcohol. I can see it happening. Alcohol has started to turn me off in a way. It's having a negative effect on me.

I'm living a change. A change that was long awaited.

I don't know how I'm going to turn out in the next few years, what I'm going to do, or where I'm going to end up, but I do know I'll soon see my real self... very soon.

This journey, I realise, isn't about learning.

This journey of mine is about unlearning.